Thursday, May 15, 2008

I don't want to cause any trouble...

I have this thing to get over in my life. It is something that I have been taught, very clearly.

The thing I'm talking about is the idea that it is better if you just try to make everyone else's life easier. Some might call it codependent. Some might say it's just being nice. Some would say it's being a doormat.

For me I've realized it has reached a point of pathology. Two things this week have underlined it very clearly for me:

1) I am having a reaction to an antibiotic. Hives. Every time I take it I get itchy hives. But I didn't actually go to see the doctor, I asked him to call it in for me. So since I didn't actually pay for a visit, I'm feeling very guilty about calling and asking for a different prescription. So instead, I just keep taking the medicine. And itching has become my penitence for being nice.

2) A job was posted this week at a well-known grant making institution. Its an ideal job for me at twice the salary. I can't bring myself to apply because I would HAVE to tell my boss. She would find out, and I would have to chance another time when I would have to decide whether to stay or leave - or worse, another time when she knows I'm up for a job and then I don't get it. The job description is just sitting in my inbox... mocking me.

So this morning, I'm feeling very trapped by this thing I have. This need to try to make everyone's life easier. It's hurting me. It's holding me back.

And yet, I don't know how to do it differently. I can't make myself pick up the phone and call my doctor. I can't walk myself into my bosses office.

So instead, here I am. Poor. Overworked. Itchy.

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