Monday, June 14, 2010
I'm a "sometimes" mom.
Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I do a good job. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I'm happier than I could ever have imagined.
But the thing you learn is that being a mom is "always". It is always you, you are always needed. I spent my entire twenties wanting to be needed, I had no idea how needed I would be.
I have been surprised that one can put off even normal human behavior in order to care for your child. Are you so thirsty that you could drink an entire gallon of water in one sitting? Sure. But if it involves waking the child that you just got to sleep after an hour of crying, then you will sit there and wait. Wait until it's your turn and then take care of what you can in the time you have.
Before my sweet girl, I have to admit I spent alot of time wasting time. I took long walks with no destination. I spent all day thinking about what I would do for dinner. I talked to friends for hours and hours. I feel silly saying this, but I really did not realize that all of that would disappear instantly. I am now on call. Forever.
But I also have to admit that I am shocked by small things that I enjoy. If my sweet girl wakes up at 4am smiling, then I smile back and kiss her chubby cheeks. I thought I would grumble. I thought I would hate it. I can get exhausted, but I am shocked at how much I enjoy the small girl and the person she is becoming.
She was two months old yesterday. I celebrated by loving her, kissing her,reading to her, comforting her, rocking her, playing with her, singing to her, and watching her sleep. I know I have months to go before this all feels like a normal part of my life, but I am so glad I have this opportunity.
Because in this case motherhood is really an always that is ever-changing, life-altering, and so incredibly welcome and wonderful, (despite what I may say sometimes).