Thursday, June 17, 2010
I have always been a worrier. I worry about what people think and feel. I worry that I do and say the wrong things sometimes. I worry about safety. I worry about germs.
I always needed to soothe myself away from those worries. As a baby (and throughout my childhood) I sucked my thumb and had a security blanket. As a teen, I depended on my mom to help me talk through and reason out my worries.
Even with all that practice worrying, I was unprepared for how much I would worry about this little girl. She is great - healthy and happy - and still I worry.
Today's worry is about going back to work.
I had a wonderful day at a friend's house. She and I walked our sleeping kids around the neighborhood, played on the floor, chatted and chatted and chatted, and then had a nice dinner with her husband before I headed home. They are doing everything right, and they have a darling boy to show for it.
She asked me if I was going to put my sweet girl in daycare when I go back to work, and ever since all I can think about is going back to work.
I don't want to do it.
Let me rephrase, part of me doesn't want to do it. I have helped women reenter the workforce after being stay at home moms for the last 5 years, and that is a TOUGH transition. The world just does not have any respect for mothers in the workplace. Even the most progressive place wants to see that you have done something during that time. I've seen it countless times in people that I counsel.
And yet, this little girl counts on me. She looks to me for everything, and I am having a hard time imagining pulling myself away from that. I need to practice. I have resolved to give her up a little more, let visitors hold her and not rush to take her back at the first pout. And I probably need a babysitter. How does one find someone that they can trust?
Ah Trust... the elusive element for a worry-wart. Nearly as elusive as it's friend Faith.
I still have a few weeks to figure this out and another month of working from home after that, but I know I need to prepare myself. She will be fine.
But I worry.