Today was a big day.
Emmah and I went into the city to meet my workmates and talk to my boss. It was her first train ride, her first experience in the city, her first time in a revolving door, and she took it all in with big wide eyes.
We got onto the train and she lay her head on my chest and just watched out the window - mesmerized. And just like me, she started to get sleepy after 20 minutes, so we napped together as the train rocked back and forth.
Everywhere we went people smiled at us. One man held the door open and said "Your baby is so cute, she brings a smile to every one's face who sees her!"
But today was more than just an adventure to say hello to our friends. Today I finally had the courage to tell my boss that my life is different and that all that I thought would work will not work. I finally got a chance to admit that this has been harder than I could have ever imagined. I finally got a chance to say that I am not superwoman. I finally got to verbalize that I want to be a good mom and raise a happy child. I finally told someone that I need more help than I have, and that I cannot do more than I am doing right now.
My dear friend Gina once sent me an email from a website called "Peaceful Daily" - I liked the email, so I subscribed to the emails myself. This is what Friday's email was:
July 16, 2010
Finding Magic at Home
At the last minute I did not have a tip for today, so I asked my 6 year old daughter, Topanga, if she had a tip for me. Her exact words were, "stay home and you will find the magic."
A part of my heart broke because I thought maybe she was saying we didn't stay home enough. Then I decided not to overanalyze it. Maybe she is just an angel with a message! I am after all a stay at home mom, who likes to think I don't have a crazy busy schedule. Who knows maybe it was directed at me. I am looking forward to the next month at home with my kids doing what I love most ...nothing! Maybe we should all take Topanga's advice and stay home and find the magic!
Peace, Love & Happiness,
What Sandy did not understand was that those words felt like validation at a moment when I was completely obsessed with the task of today. I cried at the idea of that her daughter, that young girl, was speaking those words directly to me, because my girl cannot yet speak for herself. It felt weighty. It felt like a sign.
Today, I did not stay home. No final decisions have been made. No plan is set.
I know I will have more time. More time to watch the wonder on my baby's face to discover new things. More time to introduce her to new people. More time to nurse her and cuddle her. More time to have her know that I am here for her.
And that being here for her is the most important job in the world.