Friday night, for the first time since the baby was born, Charles got to go out with his brother and a friend for their Friday night drink. It used to be a tradition, and the baby has seriously distracted him away from it.
I was happy he was doing something for himself. And so insanely jealous that I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
I have more than my fair share of anxiety these days: a husband with two full-time jobs and full time school, the hasty departure from a career I adored, gobs of time alone with a 4-month old and not enough happy-go-lucky songs in my song repertoire.
Fast forward to Saturday morning, Charles came home from his overnight job and I handed him the baby. No shower, no tea... just handed him the baby and headed for the bed. I slept and cried for a good portion of the morning. Finally, one of my closest friends called and I got to talk to someone and figure out what was going on. She and I figured out some things for me to consider doing to stay sane once Charles goes back to work tomorrow and school next Monday. Things that might help me feel less alone and more connected, and maybe find an endorphin or two in the cobwebs of my body.
Shortly after talking to her, I went onto Facebook and another friend of mine had raised an "S.O.S" flag. She has just given birth to her second son (on Wednesday night) and her husband needs to go back to work on Monday. Thinking of her floundering in the same way that I did when our baby was a week or so old was enough for me to snap out of my funk. (And thinking of how she called me to check in when Emmah was 6 days old and then came running over when I threw up a similar s.o.s. - she helped me so much that day, that I felt like I could breathe again) I went over today and she is actually doing great. I'll stop by a few times this week to check on her and bring some things.
But it has made me remember two things:
1) I am lucky, and I have a ton of adoring friends that have helped me so much in the last 4 months. I am so grateful to them. Moms and non-moms that check in with me, come over and hold that cute little thing. They have driven me places. They have cooked and cleaned for me. They have taken me out to dinner, made me dinner, and brought me dinner. And they continue to give me help and support whenever this endeavor gets overwhelming. And it gets OVERWHELMING.
and 2) That sometimes, we need to move outside of what WE need to help other people. Even when you feel like the world owes you something or that your burden is unbearable, someone else needs you. And maybe that little thing that you figure out to give... that small gesture... maybe it means the world to them in that moment. Maybe it gets them through.
So thank you, to all my friends, for giving me those moments, hours, and days of your time. They have gotten me through, they have gotten me this far, and I feel confident we can get through this next crazy hump with all of you to keep us happy, laughing, and entertained.
This is, of course, just a few of the all-stars, I could not be doing any this without my wonderful family and all my wonderful friends.