Friday, August 17, 2007

Thinking about a breakup? Here's my advice:

I know so many people that are unhappy in their relationships or have recently broken up. After talking to so many people, here is my advice:

1) If you are thinking about breaking things off from a long-term relationship, what are your fantasies about how things will be different? What are the things you will do with your new free time? Who are the people you want to reconnect with?

Now, is there any part of that you can begin BEFORE a breakup? Would having more autonomy help give some clarity to the issues?

2) Do you have a plan? Where will you live? Do you have enough money/savings to make the transition? Who can you ask for help?

Keep in mind, after my last big breakup I did not have a plan. I did not follow my own advice and it was very messy... and took almost 3 years and alot of help for me to recover financially. Learn from my mistakes!

3) Consider outside help.

I think alot of people are willing to consider couples counseling, but less are willing to consider personal counseling. Remember that the issues you have in your relationships are usually linked to your parent/child relationship in many ways. Working through those aspects of your emotional development is YOUR job, not the job of your spouse/partner.

Okay. Enough from me. I'm not qualified to give this advice and you're getting it for free. As my very, super-really, intelligent mother says "You know the problem about free advice, right... you get what you pay for!"

Good luck to all of you that are in a moment of transition. Be patient, be calm. If you can learn from the relationship and the break-up process, you'll be a better person on the other side.

Oh, and since we're on the topic. I've always said that there are 4 things that if I had them, I would never need another partner... they are:
1) A wonderful best friend (for the blow-by-blow, everyday unwinding stuff)
2) A dog (for the I'm so happy you're home part)
3) A vibrator
4) A good massage therapist (because there's nothing like human contact)

Unfortunately, I only have one out of four.

1 comment:

craige said...

Interesting observation re: your own parent/child issues. I know that often when I get frustrated with Jeff it's because he's not handling something the way my father would. Ack. Creepy. At least I'm aware of it. But I'm not saying it's that easy to get over. And -- given the opportunity to marry a guy just like my dad, I absolutely would not. There are many ways in which Jeff is unlike my dad that I'm so happy for.