So I'm supposed to be working on my evaluation and setting my goals.
I don't want to.
I don't want to think about the last six months. What do I say? I've been a mess. Trying my best, going through the motions, trying to make everyone believe there is nothing wrong. The truth is my memory sucks. If I don't look at my calendar, my emails, and my to-do list... I wouldn't make it through the day in any cohesive way.
So how do I set my goals?
I could really care less if 5 more people attend my next workshop. What I really want is for the next person who walks into my office to feel better and more confident about themselves. I want them to understand it's okay to be unsure, it's okay to be risk-averse and still plow through to the next great thing.
I don't really care about the board. They only care about the financial saliency of the College. This little, old, fossil-of-a-school is barely making it. They talk about raising the ceiling of student loans to increase revenue and then I hand kleenex to the grads who can't pay their loans. What I really want is to go back to school myself. To experience the bliss of putting big, heavy books into your bag and trudging off to class. I want to toil long and hard to try to be a better person, so I can help people figure out the system.
The cyclical nature of the world frustrates me. We're a symbiotic planet full of symbiotic beings. One feeds another, and the strong overtake the weak - at least temporarily, until the tide shifts again and underdog has its day.
So what do I really want? What is my goal for today?
I'd like to talk to one good friend today. I'd like to say "I love you" at least once today. I'd like to give someone a hug and tell them it will be alright. And I'd like to buy a pair of gloves and have a nice lunch... just to keep the capitalist machine grinding away.
You may be wondering... "what are you gonna do about your evaluation?" What are your professional goals for the next year?
I have no idea.