Sunday, February 11, 2007

Why did I not have fun?

I had all the right ingredients tonight: a club I love, several co-mingled groups that I am fairly well acquainted with, good music, interesting crowd.

So why didn't I have fun?

I'd like to blame my ongoing sinus infection, but I don't think that's it. I had been looking forward to it for weeks, but nervous all at the same time. I didn't have any of "my people" there. Meaning that everyone that was there was good friends with someone else, but no one was super close to me. That can be great, or it can be disastrous.

Well, it wasn't disastrous, it just wasn't what I was hoping for. I need to connect with more people that love to dance. That was part of the issue, people were more interested in hooking up than dancing, and I'm not into the hooking up part.

Don't get me wrong, I like talking and dancing with people, but my head is with someone else and I have a hard time focusing on "the moment" without thinking... hmm, I'd really rather be with him... wonder what he's doing?

But another big part of me thinks I should just wipe the slate clean... that nothing substantial will ever happen, so why keep my hopes up?

And then there's the dreaded VD... just a few short days away. Ugh. I don't even want to think about it. Wish I could fast forward.

Actually, I wish I could fast forward everything right now. There's got to be a moment in my future that is filled with love, in a different place, with freedom and security and commitment. I want to go to that place.

But then again, I have to actively create that place for it to be sustainable. So if I want to receive love, then I first have to give it. If I want security, then I must change my mindset. If I want freedom, then I have to create it for myself.

It would be so much easier if someone could just come rescue me. Swoop me up and take me dancing. Pay my bills while I save the world. And let me go when I need space to find my center again.

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